We Just Are.

I grovel for your love.
I crave your approval.

I guess.. All I really want is to listen to you talk about your day
To know you’re doing okay
Because I know there are days
When you feel like running away
And days where you wanted to fight
Every stranger on the street
And I just hope
That at the very least
When you’re having one of those days
That there’s still someone around
To talk to
Even if I can’t be her

I’ve been associating you with summer
For longer then I care to admit
With the weather that brings warmth
With the sun that brings burns

The beach makes me cringe with the weight of a few memories
The crashing of waves on the shore
I’m never ready when the tide comes in
But when it goes
I feel my body wanting to go with it
And then I remember I can’t swim
And I choke on the salt as I crawl back to safety

I needed autumn.
I craved for its calm
The leaves change and fall
And I have sweaters to keep me warm
Instead of your arms around me
It’s easier to be a good person
With all these seasons between us

The taste: cigarettes and sweat
The smell: deodorant and alcohol
The touch: body against body, skin against skin

Stubble contrasting soft lips
Wet shirts contrasting warm bodies

From the back of the venue
To the back of the car

It’s never an innocent invitation.
Those things don’t exist between us. There’s always the hidden reason. The obvious reason. These things go unsaid.
Small talk. Smaller talk. We cease to talk. In the silence we question our morals. Do we have any?
I don’t. Not really. You don’t. Not really.

But you think you do. Or at least you want to pretend you think you do.
So instead of asking for it you ask a leading question. A good politician knows how to chose his words. How to twist his tongue.
You knew how to plant a seed. As if you really needed to grow thoughts in my mind. I’ve been lost in a jungle of thoughts about you since that day by the trees. Anyways.. I’m not one to beat around the bush.
I won’t know if this was stupid until after the fact. And unlike you I’m not going to play dumb. I know why you’re here. Even if I don’t know quite why I am. Maybe I’m hoping to find out
First effect then cause. The Re and the Action, simultaneous.
All I know is that I can’t say no.
That’s not true. I’m a liar. I can. But I won’t. Probably won’t. I don’t know.
They call it chemistry for a reason. Your lips and fingertips are just catalysts to the atomic bomb that goes off in my body every time your eyes fall upon me.
Dopamine. Nonepinephrine. Oxytocin.
Drugs I can’t resist.
Hello. My name is _______. And I’m an addict.

Listen:
I miss you like I miss burritos
I crave for you all over
It lingers throughout
My tongue misses your taste
My hands miss your warmth
My nose misses inhaling your scent
I’m missing the feeling of satisfaction
I’m empty inside

Listen:
I miss you like I miss burritos
Homemade burritos were probably the best
But we were just a couple of kids
Playing house
Making love in the kitchen
On broken tiles

Listen:
I miss you like I miss burritos
And I know that sounds silly
But then again
So is missing you.

He’s telling me about his girlfriend. I’ve never heard someone talk so passionately about love for someone else. You can see it all over his body language; that just the thought of her fills him with so much emotion. It’s beautiful. It’s kinda like.. inspirational. I think he’s going to end up marrying this girl. The way he talks. Ah. It’s just too much.

I keep you in a Ziploc bag beneath my bed. Tightly sealed. Air tight. But on occasion. Late at night. I crack open Pandora’s box. I read words of a different time. The person who wrote these words is gone, but so is the person they were meant for.

Even then I knew our fate. I was the mechanic. When you gave me your heart I knew it wasn’t for keeps. I was meant to patch it up, fix what was broken, and return it in pristine running condition, ready for the next drive. But even the mechanic can take pride in her work.

I don’t know. Maybe I should’ve kept those memories sealed away. But I needed to see how I felt. I’m okay now.  I am a mechanic after all.

Have you ever found yourself realizing that no matter what you do you are not humanly capable of losing love for someone? That no matter how far you separate yourself from them or how much you try to remember any bad thing about them or how damaged they have left you.. for some reason your heart will not give them up. I’ve realized it. And I’m tired of fighting it. I love you. And there’s not a damn thing to be done about it.

And this placeIn this photoReminds me of anotherFrom not so long agoA place that lives nowOnlyIn my twisted memoriesYou can’t live in a broken home.You can’t love with a broken heart.But damnit,We did try. {

And this place
In this photo
Reminds me of another
From not so long ago
A place that lives now
Only
In my twisted memories

You can’t live in a broken home.
You can’t love with a broken heart.

But damnit,
We did try.

West Coast Girl Dreams of East Coast Boy

I saw you from across the room
Without a second thought
I went up to you
Arms outstretched and open wide
You gladly greeted me in stride
My head pressed
against your chest
You looked lost in thought
Momentarily
Who would have guessed
That you would say
“Be my date,
would you, darling?”
How could I deny your any request
“Of course my friend,
I acquiesce.”
You took my hand
And led me out.
The fucking things
I dream about.

The doomsday clock has been set
But I ain’t panicking just yet
1 month
2 weeks
3 days
That’s all it takes
Impatiently
I will wait
Until I’m met
with my fate..

But fuck that shit!
It’s not for me
What happens next is up to us
When we meet face to face
I know the time
I know the place
In my heart
I know the truth
It’ll all be fine.

I’ll be honest
I spend most of my idle time
(Especially in class)
Writing you
Poems
Nostalgias
Letters I’ll never send
You’d never read them
If I did
Anyways. 
Acts of remembrance
To memories
You told me
You wish you could forget.
I don’t know. 
I’ve never been one for regret. {

I’ll be honest
I spend most of my idle time
(Especially in class)
Writing you
Poems
Nostalgias
Letters I’ll never send
You’d never read them
If I did
Anyways.
Acts of remembrance
To memories
You told me
You wish you could forget.
I don’t know.
I’ve never been one for regret.

In between the notes
I find myself scribbling your name.
I wonder what was going on
In my head.
What compelled
Subconscious mind
To take control
Of an idle hand.
Am I trying
To tell myself something?
The message
Goes unheard.

Are you asking if I want to… Or if I will? Because believe me. I do want to. And it’s not like I want to with just anybody. But with you of course. For you… anything. But will I? No. Because I still love you. Or maybe. I just love the idea of you too damn much. And to do this would be cheap. I don’t want your body. I want your heart. Your mind. Your soul. I don’t want just one night. I can’t live the rest of my life off this one moment. I can’t and I won’t. You’ll be gone soon. And I’d rather not be left in pieces when you go.